In English, when we want to say that we regret something that did or did not happen in the past, we use a phrase that begins with ‘I wish…’ or ‘If only…’. Listen to this example from Intermediate episode 2 to see how it works:
‘I wish I hadn’t worried so much about what other people thought of me.’
This phrase communicates that, in the past, I worried very much about what people thought of me. Now, looking back to the past, I’m sorry that I worried. But there is nothing that I can do to change the past. It’s too late now and I feel regret about that.
Here’s another phrase, this time with ‘If only…’:
‘If only I hadn’t wanted to be liked by everyone.’
This phrase communicates that, in the past, I wanted to be liked by everyone. Now, looking back to the past, I’m sorry that I wanted to be liked. But there is nothing that I can do to change the past. It’s too late now and I feel regret about that.
A phrase with ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ only contains one clause, or part, but the phrase communicates an extra idea which is not said but implied. This idea, which is not said, is understood by those who hear the phrase.
‘I wish I hadn’t worried so much about what other people thought of me.’ But I did worry.
‘If only I hadn’t wanted to be liked by everyone.’ But I did want to be liked.
We don’t need to say these extra ideas because the first phrase communicates the idea without us needing to say them.
When you begin a phrase with ‘I wish…’ or ‘If only…’, those people listening to you know that you are going to say something that you regret. In the examples from episode 2 of the Intermediate podcast, ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ are followed by the Past Perfect Tense. So, the structure of these phrases to express regret about something in the past that cannot be changed is:
I wish… (or) If only… + the Past Perfect Tense + extra information
Listen to these other phrases from the episode. I have added the extra idea that is implied, but remember that it does not need to be said. I have only included it here to give the sentences more clarity:
‘I wish I hadn’t given so much to my job.’ But I did give so much to my job.
‘If only I had spent more time with my children.’ But I did not spend more time with my children.
‘I also wish that I’d been more patient and loving towards them.’ But I was not more patient and loving towards them.
‘I wish I had chosen to face, listen to, analyse and deal with my feelings.’ But I did not choose to face, listen to, analyse or deal with my feelings.
If only I had. But I did not.
So, in the episode, all of the ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ phrases are followed by the Past Perfect Tense. When we use the Past Perfect Tense, it specifically communicates the message that (1) we regret something that (2) happened in the past, and (3) cannot be changed now. It is really important to recognise this because we can use ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ with the Past Simple Tense to say that we hope for something now that is still possible in the future.
Listen to the very big difference between these two phrases:
‘If only I had spent more time with my children.’ But I did not spend more time with my children, and now it’s too late.
‘If only I spent more time with my children.’ I do not currently spend enough time with my children and I want that to change. It is not too late to change that.
So, when we use the Past Simple Tense instead of the Past Perfect Tense, it specifically communicates the idea that (1) we are sorry about a current situation, (2) we want that current situation to change in the future, and (3) the situation can still be changed because it’s not too late.
There is a grammar term to describe these phrases with ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ Phrases that contain the Past Perfect Tense are called Past Hypotheticals and phrases that contain the Past Simple Tense are called Present Hypotheticals. Sometimes it’s useful to have a name or a label to help us remember and organise the grammar in our mind, but it’s not essential. The word ‘hypothetical’ means something that we imagine (Present Hypothetical) or imagined (Past Hypothetical) but which is not, or was not, reality. Another simpler way of defining the word ‘hypothetical’ is simply ‘What if…?’
This leads us to the last important element of expressing regrets, and that is the intensity of those regrets. Listen to these Past Hypothetical sentences and consider the intensity of each one:
‘What if I’d spent more time with my children?’ I didn’t spend more time with my children and now it’s too late, but I don’t regret it. I’m simply curious about what would have happened if I had spent more time with my children.
‘I wish I’d spent more time with my children.’ But I did not spend more time with my children, and now it’s too late. I feel sorry and regretful about that.
‘If only I’d spent more time with my children.’ But I did not spend more time with my children, and now it’s too late. I feel deeply sorry and regretful about that.
So, you can see in these sentences that ‘What if…?’ communicates curiosity – but not regret – about a possible alternative reality in the past, ‘I wish…’ communicates regret about a situation in the past and ‘If only…’ communicates deeper regret about a situation in the past. Most people use ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ interchangeably (to mean the same thing), but I have noticed that when people want to emphasise that they feel very strong regret or sorrow, they tend to use ‘If only…’, which seems to communicate a deeper sense of longing. I think it will help to see these three different levels of intensity in Present Hypothetical sentences.
‘What if I didn’t give so much to my job?’ Currently, I give too much to my job. I’m curious about what might happen if I decide now to give less to my job, but I’m not necessarily sorry about the situation; I’m just interested in what may happen if I do less work.
‘I wish I didn’t give so much to my job.’ Currently, I give too much to my job and I feel sorry about that. I don’t like the fact that I work too hard and I want to change that situation by doing less work in the future.
‘If only I didn’t give so much to my job.’ Currently, I give too much to my job and I feel really sorry about that. I really don’t like the fact that I work too hard and I very much want to change the situation by doing less work in the future.
There is one final thing that needs to be said about ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ Listen to these three sentences:
‘I wish Steve didn’t talk so much.’ I don’t like the fact that Steve generally talks so much and I would like him to talk less in the future. Talking too much is a characteristic that Steve has.
‘I wish Steve would stop talking.’ Right now, Steve is talking and I want him to stop. I can’t control Steve’s behaviour, but I want him to decide to stop talking.
‘If only Steve would stop talking.’ Right now, Steve is talking and I really want him to stop. I can’t control Steve’s behaviour, but I really want him to decide to stop talking.
We use ‘I wish…’ or ‘If only…’ with ‘would’ when we want someone else or something else to change now, in a specific situation where we usually feel annoyed about their behaviour that we cannot change. However, because we have ultimate control over the decisions we make for ourselves, we cannot use this structure to talk about ourselves. Therefore, it is not correct to say, ‘I wish I would stop talking’. This is wrong because it seems to communicate that we have no power to change our own behaviour. The closest possible phrase we can use for ourselves is ‘I wish I could stop talking’ or ‘I wish I didn’t talk so much’, which both mean that I don’t like the fact that I generally talk too much, but that I have the power to stop if I can be disciplined enough to make a decision to stop.
This last example will help to clarify the difference between a general reality and a desire for an action to happen now.
‘I wish my children loved me more.’ Currently, my children do not love me as much as I want them to. I would like this general reality to change. I am not being specific about how I want them to show me love.
‘I wish my children would tell me they loved me.’ My children may or may not love me, but I want them to perform the specific action of saying that they love me.
***
In the second part of this Deep Dive, I would like to review some specific Third Conditional phrases that appeared in the podcast. It’s not my intention to revise all of the different possible Conditional structures in this Deep Dive because, firstly, I think this would be too much and, secondly, I am keen to investigate and analyse only those structures that were used in the episode.
Listen to these Third Conditional phrases:
Phrase 1: ‘If I had actually considered my choices, I would have felt empowered.’
In reality, I did not consider my choices, so I did not feel empowered.
Phrase 2: ‘If I had thought actively in that way, perhaps I would have realised how very foolish my attitude was.’
In reality, I did not think actively that way, so I did not realise how very foolish my attitude was.
Phrase 3: ‘If I hadn’t been so concerned about people’s opinions, I would have worked less and gone home earlier.’
In reality, I was too concerned about people’s opinions, so I worked too hard and went home late.
What exactly is the Third Conditional? It’s a phrase which enables us to imagine the possibility of an alternate reality that never actually happened. The phrase is made up of two different parts: an ‘if’ part and a ‘would’ part. The ‘if’ part of the sentence contains a Past Perfect Tense phrase and the ‘would’ part of the sentence is followed by the auxiliary verb ‘have’ and then a past participle. This structure is called the Conditional Perfect Tense. The ‘if’ part of the sentence introduces an activity or situation that could have been possible in the past and the ‘would’ part of the sentence imagines what would have happened as a result. Let’s imagine a situation, or scenario, and create a Third Conditional phrase from that scenario.
Last night Gary went to the pub and had a couple of drinks. His colleague and good friend Sarah was at the same pub at the same time. It was very busy so Gary and Sarah did not see each other. They both went home without knowing that the other had been there at the same time. The next day they were chatting at work and Sarah said that she had been to the pub the night before. Gary realised it was the same pub he had been to, so he said to Sarah, ‘If I had seen you, I would have joined you’. Gary hadn’t seen Sarah and he hadn’t joined her, so he is using this Third Conditional phrase to describe what would have happened if things had been different. It’s important to recognise that this kind of phrase can be presented in several ways. Listen to the original phrase, followed by other possibilities:
Original uncontracted phrase: ‘If I had seen you, I would have joined you.’ Both parts of this sentence are uncontracted, so both parts of the sentence are emphasised.
Contracted phrase: ‘If I’d seen you, I would’ve joined you.’ Both parts of the sentence are contracted, so neither part of the sentence is emphasised. When people use the Third Conditional in speech, this is usually how it sounds.
Flipped phrase: ‘I would’ve joined you if I’d seen you.’ Here, the order of the two parts of the sentence has been changed. The reason for changing the order is so that the speaker can focus on what would have happened in an alternate reality. In this sentence, Gary wants Sarah to know that joining her at the pub would have been important, so he makes that the first part of his phrase.
There are two things to remember when flipping (or changing the order) of a Third Conditional phrase. First, it is essential to always say ‘if’ before the Past Perfect Tense phrase and ‘would’ as part of the Conditional Perfect phrase. It is therefore wrong to say, ‘I would’ve joined you if I would’ve seen you.’ The reason why English students often make the mistake of saying ‘would’ after ‘if’ is because they are accidentally using the Third Conditional structure from their own language in English. If you make this mistake, don’t worry about it – people will understand what you mean. The second thing to remember is that when you flip a Third Conditional phrase, you no longer need a comma between the two parts of the sentence. Obviously, this is only visible when you write, but it is worth mentioning.
To finish this part of the Deep Dive, I’d like to take two of the ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ phrases and develop them into Third Conditional phrases. This helps us see how a single phrase to express something that we regret from the past can be developed into a more detailed phrase that also expresses what would have happened.
‘I wish I hadn’t given so much to my job’ can therefore become ‘If I hadn’t given so much time to my job, I would have spent more time with my children’.
‘If only I had spent more time with my children’ can therefore become ‘If I had spent more time with my children they would have been happier’.
***
In this final part of the Deep Dive, I would like to look at Mixed Conditionals. Listen to this phrase. It seems to be a Third Conditional, but is not:
‘If I had taken all the steps I have described above whenever I was put into a difficult or intractable situation at work, I would probably be a different person now. I would probably be less exhausted, more decisive and more able to support others.’
At first, the phrase sounds like a Third Conditional because it begins with ‘If…’ followed by the Past Perfect tense: ‘If I had taken all the steps’. However, you will notice that the ‘would’ part of the phrase is not in the Conditional Perfect Tense. It is simply the modal ‘would’ followed by the bare infinitive: ‘I would probably be a different person now’. This kind of phrase is called a Mixed Conditional. It communicates the present consequences of a past action. In order to understand Mixed Conditionals, it’s helpful to see a virtually identical phrase as a Third Conditional and as a Mixed Conditional. Listen to this phrase:
‘If I had taken all those steps, I would have been a different person.’
This is a Third Conditional phrase and is focused on the past. It communicates that I did not take all those steps, so I was not a different person then, in the past. It communicates that my past actions had consequences later in the past. The sentence has nothing to say about the kind of person I am now. Maybe I am a different person now, but this sentence gives us no information about that.
Now listen to this phrase:
‘If I had taken all those steps, I would be a different person now.’
This is a Mixed Conditional phrase and is focused on the past and the present. It communicates that I did not take all those steps, so I am not a different person now. This sentence clearly communicates specific information about the kind of person I am now.
The purpose of a Mixed Conditional is to communicate present results or consequences of past actions. Listen to these phrases. Some of the phrases are flipped (with a different clause order), or contracted, to show the possibilities.
‘I’d be a good cook if my mother had taught me how to prepare food.’ I am not a good cook now and the reason for that is because my mother did not teach me how to prepare food.
‘If I hadn’t studied Finnish I wouldn’t have such a good relationship with my wife’s family now.’ I did study Finnish and, thanks to that, I now have a good relationship with my wife’s family.
‘Food prices would be lower if the United Kingdom hadn’t left the European Union.’ Food is expensive now because the United Kingdom did leave the European Union.
‘I’d be healthier and fitter now if I’d done more exercise when I was younger.’ Now I am not as healthy and fit as I would like to be because I didn’t do enough exercise in the past.
I hope that these phrases help you to see how a Mixed Conditional can bring the consequences of a past action into the present. I look forward to seeing you in the next Deep Dive.
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